5 Iconic Children’s Characters That Are Actually Criminals


There are certain ways to scare kids – trust me, I’m an expert.  However, kids are dumber than you think…I mean, we all grew up and heard stories about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a variety of other shady characters that would break into our house and do good things for us.  Unfortunately, when looked at through an adult lens, these guys were guilty of crimes.  Crimes that would put any of us behind bars, yet these motherfuckers get a free pass.  Here are 5 shady characters from childhood and the crimes they commit:

#5 – Leprechauns

NUCLEARCHAINSAW SCOTT VINCENT UTAH jitsuEvery time a rainbow came out, one of your parents would talk about a mythical pot of gold and the leprechaun that delivered that pot all the way to the end of the rainbow.  They would never straight out tell you to go to the end of the rainbow and get it, but it was implied – obviously knowing that your greedy little mind would plan the rest.

Being in first grade, you kind of already knew that you wouldn’t get to where the gold was – not because of the obviously faked story of how it got there, it was because you knew that by the time you got there on your BMX, it would be gone.

Ahhhh, little kids’ minds operate so ignorantly.

But what was more intriguing to you, was the little green guy that supposedly liked to put gold out and bait little kids with promises of riches.  As you can see on the left, he was a little creepy, very short, dressed snazzy and was obviously out and about with impure intent.  He was also paired with other mysterious and creepy things, like St. Patty’s Day, four-leaf-clovers and Notre Dame football.

Many questions arose about the Leprechaun – Where did he get the gold? Where did he get the four-leaf-clovers? WHY DIDN’T HE PUT RUDY IN FOR THE WHOLE GAME?!

COULD BE CONVICTED OF:

  • Counterfeiting
  • Attempted kidnapping
  • Grand theft
  • Basic hooliganism

#4 – Easter Bunny

scott vincent nuclear chainsaw mma jiu jitsu rabbitOn Easter Sunday, you’d wake up, get a basket of candy to amp you up for the day, then you’d be sent outside to look for eggs.  This alone should have gotten your senses on high alert, but you had candy and as a kid you wouldn’t care if you were sent into a wood-chipper as long as you had a sugar-high beforehand.

This was also the Easter Bunny’s doing.

According to the ever-accurate and true Wikipedia, the Easter Bunny was concocted to be somewhat of a judge to evaluate little kids on their behavior (this is a common theme with mythical criminals).  If they were good, they got candy, eggs, and toys.  If they were bad, I don’t know what happened because Wikipedia doesn’t say…although it should also be noted that he “sometimes wears clothes”, so I’m not sure that he should be the one judging anyone.

Although it was questionable on whether the bunny actually entered your house, it is known that he would leave eggs in the most head-scratchingly random places in your yard.  What’s more, is that it was never really explained to you whether he brought the eggs or just laid them like a chicken and pooped them out over your yard like he knew he’d get his nose rubbed in it if caught.

COULD BE CONVICTED OF:

  • Littering
  • Public urination
  • Streaking
  • Loitering

#3 – The Sandman

sandman nuclearchainsaw scott howard vincent mmaI’m not 100% on this, but I’m pretty sure that the Sandman was invented partially to explain that gunk that is in your eyes when you wake up after a really good night of sleep (or being hung over).

The Sandman is a mythical being from European folklore that spreads “magic sand” into kids’ eyes when they sleep, thus bringing them sweet dreams…which is exactly the opposite of what I would figure would bring sweet dreams.  Boobs in my face before bedtime brings me sweet dreams.

Anyway, that’s pretty much all there is to the Sandman.  He doesn’t bring gifts or good luck or great success in life…he just comes into your house in the middle of the night, throws a handful of sand in your face, then leaves.  In fact, “Assholeman” would probably be a more suitable name for him.

As a matter of fact, before Metallica started to make his name scary, E.A. Hoffman wrote a depiction of the Sandman being a guy that would throw sand in the eyes of children that wouldn’t sleep, then collect the eyes after they dried out and fell out of their heads…because there’s absolutely no better way to get a child to sleep that threatening them with blindness.

COULD BE CONVICTED OF:

  • Assault
  • Harassment
  • B & E
  • Stalking
  • Being a dick

#2 – Santa Claus

santa claus evil scott vincent nuclearchainsawSanta of course, is the man who came down your chimney, ate your food, drank your milk, then left you presents under the tree as payment.  Afterwards, he flew back up the chimney, hopped in his sleigh and had his reindeer fly him away with magic make-deer-fly-dust.  If you didn’t have a chimney, I’m absolutely sure that he turned into a spider and crawled in from under your door.  He did this BILLIONS of times in one night – proving that he’s obviously on speed and a hallucinogen.

Now here’s the thing, and stick with me on this; Santa can’t possibly carry billions of gifts around, I don’t care how magical he is.  So my theory is that he steals from one house, leaves their things in the next house, then takes the next house’s shit, and leaves them at the next one and so on and so forth…at least that was my theory as a kid.

As an adult, I’m well aware of Santa not existing, although if he did he’d save me a ton of money in December, so I’m sad to say that this is the only person on this list that I would actually prefer to be real…if it weren’t for his crimes:

COULD BE CONVICTED OF:

  • Possession of a controlled substance
  • Possession of stolen property
  • Possession of wild animals without a permit
  • B & E
  • Trespassing
  • Gluttony

#1 – Tooth Fairy

scott vincentChalk this crazy thing up to comforting parents.   I say “thing” because depending which survey you read, the Tooth Fairy can be looked at as male, female, or neither…meaning its probably a minotaur.

Anyway, it’s really hard to get a background check on this fairy as he/she/it doesn’t really have a solid manifestation point…a lot of people instill the practice of rewarding a kid for losing their baby teeth…the legend is looked at as a way to comfort a kid after they realize that they just lost a piece of their own head.

Going along with that point, this is why the Tooth Fairy is a sick little thing.  Your tooth falls out (literally a piece of your body), you sleep with it (which is probably illegal and has serious health implications), then the minotaur breaks in, steals part of your body, pays you, then transports it away in what I can only guess is a container that is not approved by any medical foundation on this planet.  It’s your classic black-market body harvest.

Then you have to think of why this person is referred to as a “fairy”.  I’ll tell you why, because “Body Harvester of the Night” tents to keep kids awake and ready to scream for their parents…it’s bad for business.

COULD BE CONVICTED OF:

  • Harvesting body parts
  • Trespassing
  • Burglarizing
  • Smuggling
  • Transport of illegal cargo


Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

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