If “Titanic” Met “Full Metal Jacket”


I think movies are either terribly boring or terribly exciting.  “Chick flicks” as they’re called fall into my terribly boring category, so I decided to do a little experiment.

This is Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, the Senior Drill Instructor (and all around badass) for the Marine Corps movie Full Metal Jacket…one of the best movies ever made.  This is Jack Dawson and Rose-something from Titanic…possibly one of the longest and most lovey love stories ever.

In order to improve Titanic and mellow-out Full Metal Jacket to the point that both men and women would enjoy either of them, I interjected some of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman’s famous lines into some Titanic scenes…if you’re familiar enough with the lines, I bold-typed the inclusions for faster reading.

SCENE #1 ORIGINAL

Cal Hockley: Where are you going? To him? To be a whore to a gutter rat?!

Rose: I’d rather be his whore than your wife

SCENE #1 IMPROVED

Cal Hockley: Where are you going? To him? To be a whore to a gutter rat?!

Rose: I’d rather be his whore than your wife

Cal Hockley: Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!

SCENE #2 ORIGINAL

Rose: That’s the last time I ever saw him.  He married, of course, and inherited his millions.  But the crash of ’29 hit his interests hard, and he put a pistol in his mouth that year…or so I read.

SCENE #2 IMPROVED

Rose: That’s the last time I ever saw him.  He married, of course, and inherited his millions.  but the crash of ’29 hit his interests hard, and he put a pistol in his mouth that year – seven-six-two millimeter…full, metal, jacket…or so I read.

SCENE #3 ORIGINAL

Jack: Meet me at the clock.  Make it count.

SCENE #3 IMPROVED

Jack: Meet me at the clock, I’m going to give you 3 seconds, exactly 3 FUCKING SECONDS.

SCENE #4 ORIGINAL

Bert: It’s a big boat, huh?

Cora: Daddy, it’s a ship!

Bert: You’re right.

SCENE #4 IMPROVED

Bert: It’s a big boat, huh?

Cora: Daddy, it’s a ship!

Bert: Well, no shit, what do we have here, a fucking comedian.

SCENE #5 ORIGINAL

Rose: Mr. Andrews, forgive me, I did the sum in my head and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned, forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard.

Thomas: About half actually.  Rose, you miss nothing do you?

SCENE #5 IMPROVED

Rose: Mr. Andrews, forgive me, I did the sum in my head and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned, forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard.

Thomas: Wipe that disgusting grin off your face.

SCENE #6 ORIGINAL

(Rose is about to cut Jack’s handcuffs with an axe)

Jack: Wait, wait, wait! Take a couple of practice swings over there

(Rose puts a hole in the door)

Jack: Good, now try to hit the same mark again, Rose.  You can do it.

(Rose chops again and misses by a foot)

Jack: Okay, that’s enough practice

SCENE #6 IMPROVED

(Rose is about to cut Jack’s handcuffs with an axe)

Jack: Wait, wait, wait! Take a couple of practice swings over there

(Rose puts a hole in the door)

Jack: Good, now try to hit the same mark again, Rose.  You can do it.

(Rose chops again and misses by a foot)

Jack: You little maggot, you make me want to vomit!

SCENE #7 ORIGINAL

Jack: I’m going to dance with her now, alright? (looking at Rose)

Jack: Come on

Rose: What?

Jack: Come on, come with me

Rose: Jack, Jack, wait! I can’t do this

Jack: We’re gonna have to get a little bit closer, like this

SCENE #7 IMPROVED

Jack: I’m going to dance with her now, alright? (looking at Rose)

Jack: Come on

Rose: What?

Jack: Choke yourself

Rose: Jack, Jack, wait!  I can’t do this

Jack: God Damnit, with my hand!

SCENE #8 ORIGINAL

Carpathia Steward: Can I take your name please?

Rose: Dawson, Rose Dawson

SCENE #8 IMPROVED

Carpathia Steward: Can I take your name please?

Rose: Dawson, Rose Dawson

Carpathia Steward: Bullshit, from now on you’re Private Snowball

SCENE #9 ORIGINAL

Lovejoy: What could possibly be funny?

Cal: I put the diamond in the coat…and I PUT THE COAT ON HER!!

SCENE #10 IMPROVED

Lovejoy: What could possibly be funny?

Cal: I put the diamond in the coat…and I PUT THE COAT ON HER!!

Lovejoy: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

SCENE #10 ORIGINAL

Rose: So you think you’re big tough men?

(Rose takes a drag off Tommy’s cigarette)

Rose: Then let’s see you do this

(Rose lifts up her dress and rises completely on her tip toes)

Rose: Hold it up!

3rd Class Woman: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

SCENE #10 IMPROVED

Rose: So you think you’re big tough men?

(Rose takes a drag off Tommy’s cigarette)

Rose: Then let’s see you do this

(Rose lifts up her dress and rises completely on her tip toes)

Rose: Hold it up!

3rd Class Woman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that?!

SCENE #11 ORIGINAL

(As Rose and Jack finish making love in the backseat of the car, she caresses his cheek)

Rose: You’re trembling

Jack: Don’t worry, I’ll be alright

SCENE #12 IMPROVED

(As Rose and Jack finish making love in the backseat of the car, she caresses his cheek)

Rose: You’re trembling

Jack: How many counts in that move you just executed?

SCENE #13 ORIGINAL

(Rose sees a lifeboat coming back for survivors, she shakes his hand to wake him up)

Rose: Jack…Jack…Jack?

(She looks back to the boat, then back to Jack)

Rose: Jack there’s a boat! Jack!

(She realizes that Jack is dead as she shakes his hand again)

Rose: Jack?…Jack…

(She shakes his hand viciously and begins to cry)

Rose: Jack!

Rose: I’ll never let go (lets him go)

SCENE #13 IMPROVED

(Rose sees a lifeboat coming back for survivors, she shakes his hand to wake him up)

Rose: Jack…Jack…Jack?

(She looks back to the boat, then back to Jack)

Rose: Jack there’s a boat! Jack!

(She realizes that Jack is dead as she shakes his hand again)

Rose: Jack?…Jack…

(She shakes his hand viciously and begins to cry)

Rose: Are you quitting on me? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! (lets him go)

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Categories: EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

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