Best Reviews EVER (Kind of)


I never ordered anything online until I gave it one shot, had a good experience then found out that they ask me to REVIEW MY EXPERIENCE.  Awesome.  I absolutely did review my experience for their world-known and extremely popular website.  Although my non-biased stance toward internet sites prevents me from saying where these were ordered, I’ll give you a hint, it starts with an “A” and ends with a “mazon.com”.  Here are some fun reviews I wrote for items that yes, I did order.  Granted they haven’t exactly made it through the approval process yet.

Throwing star magnets

This is how your review will appear:

5.0 out of 5 stars They’re ninja star magnets, January 8, 2013

By 

nuclearchainsawSee all my reviews

= Durability:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:3.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:2.0 out of 5 stars 

Amazon Verified Purchase(What’s this?)

This review is from: Ninja Pro Throwing Star/Shuriken Magnet- x5 PIECES! (Toy)

These are ninja throwing stars that are refrigerator magnets.

The idea is apparently to give the illusion that you were standing on top of your refrigerator and decided to dump a box-load of kids drawings, receipts and “to-do” lists all over the floor. However, a ninja appeared out of nowhere and ninja-starred all those papers to your fridge in true assassin fashion (copyright by me right there in case you want to steal “assassin fashion” for your next gay band)… times are tough, bro.

Back to these stars…they’re basically strong as hell and are half of a ninja star so it looks like they’re stuck in whatever you stuck them to. Cool on the fridge, ESPECIALLY cool on your car, and RIDICULOUSLY cool on your terminator.

Oh, and since they’re from Japan (where people are still nice) they send you an e-mail every step of the way until they are shipped, which was really nice and informative. They even sign off with “arigato gozaimos” which from living in Japan for a year I know means “thank you”. Also I doubt I spelled that right because I was only there for a year so I learned how to say “Arigato gozaimos” and “roku biiru o kudasai”.

…that means “6 beers please” and “thank you”. …what else do you need?

Beard comb:

This is how your review will appear:

5.0 out of 5 stars Dang cowboy!, January 8, 2013

By 

nuclearchainsawSee all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What’s this?)

This review is from: Kent 20T Folding Comb (Misc.)

It’s not a switchblade…everyone asks me that – well it’s not. What it IS, is an elegant yet modern tool for slappin those whiskers into formation.

Comb clips onto your back pocket that raises your style level to “alpha” and is a little stubborn to get out of the folding position at first…I attribute this to the rugged and firm build of the Kent 20T…better than the rest of the products nowadays that are made cheaper than Lindsay Lohan’s mom.

You know those douchebags that can only grow chin hair that looks like someone spread grass seed on their dirt lawn instead of having a lush, yard full of sod? They don’t buy these. That hip cat at the end of the cul-de-sac buys this…and his yard takes huge dumps on the prior’s yard.

Go with the Kent 20T and yard-dump m’man…go ahead and yard dump. rawr.

GI Joe Action Figure:

This is how your review will appear:

5.0 out of 5 stars Go Joseph!, January 8, 2013

By 

nuclearchainsawSee all my reviews

= Durability:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:5.0 out of 5 stars 

Amazon Verified Purchase(What’s this?)

This review is from: G.I. Joe Retaliation – Cobra Trooper Figure (Toy)

It’s General Issue Fucking Joe. Of course it gets 5 stars. Even for educational value since it taught me how to use black-cat fireworks as a kid. (you’ll understand later)

“The Story of Ricky” movie…(voted worst martial art film ever):

This is how your review will appear:

5.0 out of 5 stars I couldn’t believe my eyes, January 8, 2013

By 

nuclearchainsawSee all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What’s this?)

This review is from: Story of Ricky (DVD)

Like anyone that has been 5 years old – which is everyone that’s older than 4 – I have seen crap…like smokin’ piles of dog crap and I was smitten by the sight of it steaming on a cold winter day and wondering why it had a brown aura that faded off in the snow around it. Little did I know that somewhere far away there was an Asian dude that saw that very same thing, but instead of going on in life and being successful he created the equivalent of dog-snow-poop in movie form. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Ricky-Oh:

I have no idea what this movie is about and I’ve watched it twice…once on beer then again on a stiff bowl just so I could get in the right frame of mind and understand what the f*ck the writer of this movie was thinking. Neither worked.

Ricky goes to prison, punches people until they explode (one of which was a fat guy that was sent to kill Ricky for 2lbs of rice pie (no, I’m not kidding)) and then Ricky jumps and punches through walls and prison bars – which makes you wonder how he even got caught for doing whatever it was that he was caught for (probably making people explode).

…anyway, that’s all I got on this movie. It’s cliché to say that this film is so bad that it’s good, so I won’t say that. What I WILL say is that if someone just watched your face and had no idea what you were watching, they’d have a hard time guessing whether you were staring at a fat kid trying to dunk a basketball or watching The Story of Ricky

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About Scott Vincent

Loves the Chiefs, tuna, and cool words like, "SH-POW".

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