Stupid and ridiculous self-defense techniques have been around…well, since ever. As long as there have been people who wanted credit for something they didn’t want to work at, we’ve had video demonstrations from “black belts” that are about as dangerous as a weathered box of kittens. Here are some examples of terrible self-defense techniques.
#5 BAS RUTTEN’S SELF DEFENSE
For those of you who don’t know, Bas Rutten was created A-sexually by a bodybuilder who abandoned his offspring 160 million years ago. Raised by a herd of Dutch velociraptors, he was brought to present time by Marty McFly (whom he then ate), fed 15 red bulls a day and was released into society. He was a badass MMA fighter and now spends his time commenting on cage fights and giving self-defense lessons while sexually climaxing the entire time.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Bas and he is the only one on this list that actually knows what he’s doing. The problem is that he has no idea how to explain to anyone how to fight. Watch this:
In case you missed it, Bas uses terms like, “BAH! you do the front kick”, and “I’m gonna bounce his head BANG! off the table ten times or something”, followed by a brief stint of him explaining how to stab someone with a chair. Absolutely no part of this looks scripted…at all…which is strange because some kind of script or planning is usually essential when training anyone to do anything.
At nearly every point in the training video, Bas will joint lock his terrified assistant and then attack him with whatever Bas happens to see in the vicinity. You may have also noticed that 100% of his techniques are the most intense thing you’ve ever seen. An example would be where Bas approaches a patron holding a drink. A patron which Bas implies said something bad about his wife. His response is something like, “I grab his foot and BAH! SHOVE IT DOWN! Trust me, this will shatter his knee”… or something like that, I was in too much shock to accurately recount what he said.
To apply any of Rutten’s maneuvers you must have a prerequisite in being batshit crazy. His moves almost always end in either a “BANG! Right straight!” or “BANG! Knee to the face!” For example, according to Bas when someone grabs your wrist, “he gets your arm, you break th – BANG! Right straight!” …which by using the google velociraptor to English translator I found out means “Pull your arm back and punch the guy.”
#4 CHAIR AND MAGAZINE DEFENSE
Yes, you’re going to have to watch this one before we even get started…
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m going to attack that atrocious hairdo of the “attacker”…well I’m not. Instead, I’m going to focus on the fact that 22 seconds into the video I’m informed that being hit with a magazine can result in death. I find this hard to believe since that Obama impersonator goes 100% on his attacker and he manages to get up each time. Trust me, being a man who gets shot down frequently by uppity chicks , being nose smecked with a copy of The Reader’s Digest really isn’t that bad and it certainly hasn’t resulted in my death.
The writing on this skit is terrible. Here is a highlight:
Attacker: “What time is it?”
Obama: “Well, uhmmm, it’s uh, 1:30″
Attacker: *sighs* “You’re in my chair, get up”
Obama: “I didn’t see you sitting here, and I don’t feel like moving, I”m tired”
Attacker then charges in and gets demolished with a magazine
My main complaint about this video is that it is supposed to be instructional. I felt confident that I was going to learn how to kill someone with a magazine. Instead, the karate guy just smacks that creepy guy like he just peed in his dojo.
What’s worse, is that in the end the karate guy actually gets up and offers his chair to the attacker. He then smacks him in the head and tells him “don’t do that again.” That’s like giving a kid an ice cream cone then smacking it out of their hand and telling them that ice cream is for pussies.
This technique is stupid and the attacker’s hair is fucking retarded. I suggest buying some sunglasses or a soda as a more effective deterrent of weirdos. Speaking of which…
#3 SECRETS THE GRACIE FAMILY IS AFRAID TO REVEAL
The title says it all. This self-help guide to kicking ass is splendidly done in 80’s 1-2-3 Contact! fashion. From start to about 0:23 into it, you’ve seen everything they’re going to show you…you know, all those Gracie “secrets” such as:
- Spitting cola into someone’s face and running away
- Throwing sunglasses into someone’s face and running toward them
- kneeling down and punching a nutsack 15 times as fast as possible
- Poking someone in the neck
As you can see, we’re quite lucky they were able to smuggle these gems out of Brazil and give them to us for free on youtube. Here’s the video:
Now the breakdown on the effectiveness of each technique:
Sunglasses throw – From what I gather from the instruction, you’re supposed to wear sunglasses all the time in the event of an attack. You will also need to be attacked by someone who had a horrible sunglasses accident as a kid and has a phobia about them. That being said, when the aggressor charges you, you are to throw the glasses in his face and then charge him while pretending you know how to punch. I think this would be extremely effective against paranoid hampsters but not much else.
Kneeling nutsack punches (15) – This demonstration isn’t realistic. I mean, after the first kneeling nut punch the perp is probably going to step back and snap-kick your face off. Sure, he’ll be hurting if you happen to connect with even one, but…you know…missing face and all makes it hard to pick up the ladies.
Poking someone in the neck – There might be some validity to this if by “poke” they mean “shoot” and by “in the neck” they mean “in the neck”.
Spitting cola in someone’s face – Oh man, would this ever piss off whoever you pissed off in the first place. This could work if you were faster than the other guy as it only buys you seconds to beat feet out of there which could be to your advantage to evade danger. In this guy’s case it wouldn’t work because of his unsurprisingly true statement made at the end – “I’m a smoker, lotta people are”. Take it from me and not the Gracie secret smuggler, don’t spit cola at someone…throw the can instead then run like your butt hates your feet.
#2 SHOCK SCREAM RUN
This is Jane who is an account executive. She starts off the video with an anti-rape demonstration taught to her by her husband whose name is apparently “MartinNancyJudy”. At least, I’m assuming that’s his name since the other two people she introduces have no other reason to be in the video other than to sit still and do their best impression of something awkward.
After apparently nothing traumatic ever happening to Judy, MartinNancyJane taught her moves like “The Jong Strike”, the “Cat Claw” and of course, “The Monkey Fist”. He verifies himself as a qualified self-defense instructor by telling us that he is a chemical engineer and then goes off on how Judy considers his teachings the “best gift of love she’s ever received.”
The video is broken down into two parts:
Part 1 – Strikes and Techniques: This is where we learn the jong strike, the cat claw, and the monkey fist. We first see them at normal speed, then we see them in super-slo-mo along with the deepened “rrweerewerwererr” sound from MartinNancyJane every time he is hit.
Part 2 – Chinese Aerobics: I know this is part 2 because it says so in the beginning of the video. Unfortunately, the executive and engineer have no video editing skills as they forgot to put this whole section into their tutorial. I was very curious as to what “Chinese Aerobics” are and how they differ from “Aerobics”, so I googled a picture of them:
#1 GROSSING OUT YOUR ATTACKER (anti-rape)
“Following is a graphic demonstration utilizing a cucumber as a penis”…you’ve been forwarned.
This opens up insanely perfect. Besides that great introduction, a man named Lou Cassamassa pops up in the only Levi-brand gi known to exist and informs us that he will show us how to be protected from “being murdered”…which is nice. He then dives directly into his defense system and supplies us techniques to appear “unappealing to your attacker”. Such techniques include:
- Belching loudly
- Blowing your nose on your own face
- Farting (if you have this talent)
- Urinating and/or pooping on yourself
…that last one actually comes with an addendum. Lou advises you to take the time to reach into your pants, pull out some poo and rub your own crap on your arms and head in the off-chance that your attacker is totally cool with a victim that burps, farts, pees their pants and has snot all over their face.
Ok, so say your attacker is as gross as you are. Lou refers you to his second-stage defense which should actually be his first. This includes gouging the eyes and squeezing the daddy-parts. He offers exercises to perfect the eye gouge such as jabbing your thumb into a tomato (or as Lou says, “tuh-may-ta”) and even illustrates how a woman being attacked can lay on top of her attacker, initiate a make-out session, then bite his face off. A useful tool is to “try this on your boyfriend” apparently.
Now we come to the most disturbing part of this video. Lou has a woman on her knees with a cucumber in his hand. She is to play possum as if she is resisting, then allow for this to happen at which point she is to bite it off. That being said, Lou could have just said to bite if this situation were to occur but no, this old motherfucker has to break out a cucumber and actually show the audience what it would look like. (end of video probably not safe for work, open at your own risk).
This guy takes the cake at #1 because for some reason, I want to kick his ass. Maybe it’s because he gets off on vegetables or maybe it’s because not one of his “techniques” involves any sort of training short of taking a laxative 2 hours before being accosted. Bottom line, if you’re going to learn to defend yourself, find someone who knows what they’re doing and try to avoid rubbing snot on your face as a defensive maneuver because that’s just gross.
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