FOR MEN, WOMEN AND ZOMBIES
….Okay…It can’t be verified whether or not someone really shat their pants unless you’re standing next to them. Let’s be honest though, people shit their pants when A) You witness something unreal or B) You know you’re about to be in for a world of hurt. That being said and abiding by the aforementioned rules, I’m assumingthat at some point in these people’s lives, either the feats they pulled off or their presence alone has made a few chocolate snowballs. Uh-here-weh-go:
#5 ANNIE OAKLEY
Annie Oakely did things that you usually see dumbasses doing on youtube - except she actuallydid them successfully, which after all, is really the point of doing anything. Here are some of her feats:
Take a second and reflect (pun intended) on that whole bowie knife thing – She used the knife as a mirror to basically shoot golf balls out of the air. Keep in mind, she did that day in and day out as part of her perfomances on the Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. And in case you haven’t done the poopie in your pants in amazement yet, she once shot 943 out of 1000 said balls that were thrown into the air in rapid succession. That’s saying something considering most people are too lazy to sit and just watch someone throw balls in the air for a couple of hours…you know, unless you’re a slut who really likes balls.
#4 ANDERSON “THE SPIDER” SILVA
Anderson Silva is a UFC fighter from Brazil. He’s also made out of something that hasn’t been invented yet by scientists that haven’t been born yet to parents that haven’t even fucked yet. The guy doesn’t just beat people – he demolishes and embarrasses opponents. I’m talking the best of the best. Put an ex-champion in with him, he’ll decimate them (Dan Henderson, Vitor Belfort), embarrass them (Forrest Griffin) or humiliate them (Rich Franklin). The weird thing about Anderson is that fighting looks ridiculously easy for him. He moves before you punch, he holds his hands down, and he sometimes dances when you’re trying to “fight” him. He’s also been known to actually call time-out (even though you really can’t during a fight) to help his opponents up to their feet so his foot can finish eating up their ass…I’m not kidding, he has done that.
Anderson is #4 because he has lost…everyone loses here and there. Thing is, that was a long time ago and the UFC is the biggest MMA platform in the world and only one person has come close since he’s been there…Chael Sonnen. Chael went about 4.7 rounds with Anderson…kicking his ass the whole time…until the Spider decided he wanted to make everyone in the crowd shit their pants and finished Chael with a Triangle/armbar/slap/magic googly- hoogly hold.
#3 MANFRED VON RICHTHOFEN (THE RED BARON)
Ok, so there are certain jobs that don’t really have an on-the-job training program. Being a German fighter pilot in the early 20th century was one of those jobs. You get successful by not dying is pretty much how it worked. As you can imagine due to human imperfections, mistakes are to be made. Unfortunately, flying a biplane in war means mistakes and being wrong are shortly followed by cuss-words and impact. You could say that if you were wrong, you’d be dead wrong. You could.
Anyway, The Red Baron (German fame, not pizza) is credited with EIGHTY air combat victories. That means the dude shot down 80 planes in a row. He was so God-damned good that he didn’t even try to be subtle about hiding or kicking ass. To prove his ballsiness, he painted his plane bright red and added an extra wing for mobility… also because he loved the smell of people shitting their drawers as he eased down beind the enemy and lit them up. Yes, the Red Baron, my friends, had a BRIGHT RED TRI-plane and dared you to come get him.
What is crazy is how he died…although it isn’t really proven and is still in debate, on April 21st, 1918, the Baron was chasing a British pilot and accidentally broke his own rule…that rule being never to engage over enemy lines. He was shot through the heart from ground by a single bullet. Even after having a hole put in his freakin’ HEART, he landed his plane and died in an open field. Richthofen died at age 25 and inspired anything named “Red Baron”. Even the pizza we mentioned earlier features a WWI-era pilot…although it looks less like Manfred and more like a stoic Tom Selleck.
#2 NIKOLA TESLA
Nikola Tesla was a Serbian-American who had a dream to engineer stuff (dork). His dream was to come the United States and build a big-assed turbine under Niagra falls to generate power. Instead, he looked up at the sun and got the bright idea to make an AC (alternating current) motor. He worked for a jerk named Thomas Edison at the time this idea came to him, and Edison, being a huge proponent of the less efficient DC (direct current) fired Nikola. Tesla then went to work for Westinghouse, infected the world with AC and the rest is history. In other words, when you plug something in, thank Tesla. Otherwise we’d have a giant powerstation every few miles…everywhere…which tends to clutter vacation spots.
As you can imagine, Tesla was one unique wizard. He used to do these weird experiments where he could create a ball of light you could touch and it would just dissipate in your hand. Or he’d do some crazy never before heard things like attach devices to stationary objects (like buildings) and tune into their frequency and make them shake…with a 6 lb device. He hung out with Mark Twain because Mark enjoyed being mind-fucked on a regular basis. Tesla was also a big proponent of wireless power transfer. We still don’t have a whole lot of that today for one reason: power companies would lose billions… Nikola taught us it’s possible though, and actually did it nearly 100 years ago. He also made the first ever remote control boat and a bunch of his experiments that were witnessed can’t be re-created by the best engineers today. You ever hear of H.A.A.R.P.? Conspiracy theorists will tell you that it’s a weather-controller to be used as a weapon of war…that was Tesla’s idea. Ever hear of the Tesla Death Ray? That’s his too. Tesla coil?…This dude’s brain alone can make you want to go hide. Now surpirse your pants with this: after his death, plans for his death ray were never found, they disappeared…and judging from his other toys, I’m willing to bet it works.
#1 SIMO HAYHA
Simo was a Finnish sniper during the winter war (1939-1940) against mother Russia. Simo grew up a farmer and liked to go out and shoot his rifle for relaxation. When the Winter War started, Simo went out as a sniper and started picking off Russians with his tiny M/28 “Spitz”. He used such a tiny weapon because he was only 5’3″ tall and it suited his frame. Anyway, like I was saying, he started picking off Russians…505 of them…all confirmed…AND he killed 200 more with a sub-machine gun…AND he did it all in 100 days…AND in -40 to -20 C weather. So yes, this little stack of fucking insane-ness killed over 700 people.
After killing hundreds of Ruskies, the Russians figured that they would do anything to get rid of this little guy that was waxing the shit out of their battalions…so they did the only thing they could…call in an airstrike on this ONE DUDE.
They got him too, and needless to say he was pretty angry, so he kept killing them. Figuring they needed to focus the firepower a little better, they sent in many counter-snipers. Simo replied with many counter-sniper bodies. I can’t verify, but I’m guessing the Russians finally just sent a guy in to ask if he’d “pretty-please stop killing us”, and that guy came back dead too.
Eventually, a random russian soldier shot a random bullet at a random snow-ninja looking thing and hit Simo in the face. He was picked up by friendly soldiers with “half his head missing”, and regained conciousness the day peace was declared. I’m betting this wasn’t a coincidence, but rather the Russians just heard that Simo woke up and was pretty pissed about the whole half-face-gone thing.
Simo lived to be 95 and was an avid moose hunter, and is also the only person on this list that can actually make your pants shit you.